Why I hate my Happy Birthday
It was my birthday recently and I hated it.
It's that day when, suddenly, everyone is a bubbling bundle of energy who feels that I need to be excited and kicked for my "special day". Everyone wants to be your best friend and will discuss your entire life in that one 30-second phone conversation that goes exactly like this:
"HEY MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
"Thanks."
"SO, WHAT PLANS?"
"Nothing."
"HOW COME NOTHING? BRO. IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY! GO OUT! CELEBRATE! I WOULD PARTY IF IT WERE MY BIRTHDAY! YOU WANT SOME COCAINE? SNORT IT AND DO THE LADIES... BROOO!"
"Thanks... uh... Dad… I'll call you right back. "
It does not just stop at incessant phone calls. There are messages, emails, Whatsapp forwards and the worst things ever... Facebook posts. So I'm going to give you a quick guide on the top three birthday messages that you get and what should be the appropriate response to them:
1. "Happy Birthday. Hope you have a nice day."
That's such a sweet, heartwarming and completely ordinary wish. I would like to thank you for taking time off your busy schedule and checking Facebook to realise that it's my birthday. Also, thank you for not calling me or coming over but just posting this on my wall hence absolving yourself of all social courtesy.
Appropriate reply: K
2. "HBD"
Were you that busy that you could not type out Happy Birthday? Do you expect me to know what the full form of HBD is? To me it could be anything from Haryana Bomb Department to Harman Baweja's Dildo. The next time you are tempted to type out HBD just don't wish, I'll understand and thank you for that.
Appropriate reply: HBD? LOLFUKU.
3."HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST"
I never quite understood why people feel it's important for me to have a blast. Taking it literally, this would be a great wish if I worked for the Al Qaeda but apart from that, it means nothing. I'm not that violent an individual that I'll call people over and play a game of "Exploding Cylinders Run Run!" In fact, it would just end up being quite a bizarre news headline, "Bomb blast at Bhindi Bazaar. Hundreds dead. On the plus side, it's Sahil's birthday so the government has pardoned him. The nation celebrates." Never have I partied so much that the next day I wake up with my hearing gone and third degree burns and until someone replaces my candles with TNT, I know I'll never have a blast.
Appropriate Response: Thank you. Today marks one more year of my Jihad.
I got a ton of wishes on my birthday and I honestly thank everyone for making me feel special (but don't expect me to return the favour because as you know, I hate birthdays). In case you feel like wishing me next year, just remember that I don't think I'll be celebrating. I'll mostly be having a terrible day because someone yelled "HBD" and played games like "Exploding Cylinder Run Run!".