I was doing my final year masters at Delhi University when we went for a study tour as a part of the course. There was this boy in my class whom I had feelings for; he also happened to be my family friend. I was always afraid to share my feelings with him for fear that I might lose my best friend.
Then this trip happened. During the trip we shared the same room and one night we got drunk and I couldn't resist myself. It was the beginning of my end. He came home, narrated my shameful behaviour and humiliated me in front of my entire family. My sister is a psychologist. She promised me that she would help me become straight, though I did not want to be one. She took me to a leading psychiatrist.
It was nightmare for the next three months. The psychiatrist asked me to change my thinking. He talked to me about heterosexual love making.
When I told him that I was not attracted to girls at all, he asked me to sit on a chair and attached electrodes on to my finger tips. He then gave me mild electric shocks, administering each shock after showing the picture of a nude male, to induce aversion. When it didn't work, I was sedated and asked to lie down on a bed with electrodes attached to my skull. My hands and legs were tied and my mouth gagged to prevent me from biting my tongue during the shock treatment.
The session lasted for 15 to 20 minutes with a cooling period of 30 seconds after each shock. In three months I received 21 shock treatments. It was terrible. I was in a dizzy state, feeling nauseatic all the time. I could not talk properly. My words got jumbled when I tried to speak. Due to this I had to miss my viva. I was literally imprisoned in my house for three months. My study got disrupted and my degree got delayed by a year. To tell you the truth, all this treatment has made little change in my orientation.
I am still gay and will always be, though to my family, I am normal now. My mom keeps teasing whenever I go out and asks for the names of girls whom I have met or made friends with. It is disgusting. I hoped that at least she will understand me when I was bedridden for three months. If she can't feel my pain then why should I be bothered about her feelings? I am firm that I am not going to get married to a girl. I don't want to ruin the life of a woman.
(As told to Sangeeth Sebastian/Mail Today urges conversion therapy survivors to speak out.)