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Why I would love to wage a liberal jihad

Kalyani Prasher
Kalyani PrasherFeb 26, 2016 | 18:43

Why I would love to wage a liberal jihad

I am going to take two overused and misused words and going to misuse them some more. There is so much bullshit going on in this country these days that I have only two options left: either I can wage a liberal jihad or I can become a liberal refugee.

Like any one of the 17 liberal people left in India, I am outraged that people are questioning my right to speak, write, discuss, drink, eat, wear whatever the hell I want. If I have sex with a boy they have a problem, if I have sex with a girl they have a problem, if I have safe sex they have a problem, if I watch sex they have a problem, if I talk about sex they have a problem, gosh, do my regressive countrymen think our millions are pouring out of the sky? Do they believe that every time a fairy sneezes a wee child is born?

As part of the liberal jihad, I am going to bomb Gyan Dev Ahuja's house with sex education booklets and condoms wrapped in the latest census report. I am going to make every bhakt spell "constitution" 100 times (daily), hit them each time they use Mother with India, and force everyone to educate themselves till they understand the difference between Fundamental Rights and a fundamental Right.

But even as I am thinking gleaming thoughts of what else I can do by way of liberal jihad - force everyone to read every day? Lock OP Sharma up in a tiny windowless room with BS Bassi? Make politicians wear "I Don't Worship Anyone And That's OK" t-shirts at gunpoint? Make not lying in the Parliament compulsory? - I am pessimistic about its success. You see, I need better quality liberals to wage this war.

I am sitting here watching the Jats with big puzzled eyes. Dude. So impressive. While we liberal fools are crying foul, shaking our heads, quaking with anger as we bang out thousands of words protesting against the way JNU students are being treated, just look at their smooth operation. Get out, burn, kill, and voila, three days and their demands are met. Where we light a candle and get arrested for it, they light a bus and here, Jat bhais, have your quota, says the mighty government.

I would love to take to the streets and burn everything in sight till I force everyone to agree with my liberal agenda: however, the problem with getting a mob together is that you need to have a mob. We liberals are so entrenched in our sub-agendas that the biggest size I can get together to fight my liberal jihad is, like, 3.5 people, counting in a particularly short friend.

The other 13.5 are busy forwarding their sub-agendas of religion/ caste/ feminism/ Kashmir/ Muslims/ Pandits/ elitism/ dalits/ friendships/ TRPs/ business/ money/ development/[fill in your agenda here] to focus on the big liberal fight; they are drawing people's attention to political alliances instead of underlining the fact that no one should be in jail for, er, talking. And, of course, let's have a five day long debate on whom we should call aunty or uncle because that's what's important right now. We'll say anything to be different, us 17, we really have no common goal so I'm going to have to fight this liberal jihad with my 3.5.

This is not going to work. So liberal refugee it is. Justin Trudeau, will you marry me I mean have me I mean accept me in your country as a liberal refugee because my nation's not working anymore. Goodbye India, and sucks to you, fellow liberals, now you are 16.

Last updated: February 27, 2016 | 13:03
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