Is Sonia Gandhi suffering from the mother-first syndrome?
As a woman, it is not uncommon to meet other women who when asked what they do will describe themselves as scientists, bankers, bureaucrats, doctors, teachers, activists, but will always slow down towards the end, hit a pause button on all those achievements, and softly moan: "but I am a mother first" with a strange mix of naivety and affectation. The conversation is then expected to be focused on how they have survived modern day pressures to become "somebody" or simply put them at the back burner to raise their glorious children. I call this a "mother-first" syndrome.
Somewhat unremarkably, the reciprocal father-first syndrome doesn't seem to exist at all. For men, it is a given that if they have borne children, they are fathers, no more or no less. Sure they love to talk about children but it is certainly not their primary focus. It would appear that for a male, being a father and being a professional is not mutually contradictory. Then why does the mother-first syndrome affect women so badly? Why, in the mind of women, does the space of personal achievements clash with that of being a mother? And why do they insist that their priorities still lie with their children?
The first reason is that while for men, especially in India, being fathers and being professionals rarely clashes, for women this separation is not clear. She is still the primary care giver at home from the day the child is born and if she has to forge ahead in her career, then she has to in essence become like a man: letting go of domestic duties to make room for her profession. A woman who wants to make it in the real world is expected to furtively delegate her responsibility to people who in her mind cannot live up to the standards of care she herself can provide. Besides, she feels she needs to be there for her children physically and mentally. She needs to fulfil the role of the first guide. Moreover, there is always a part of a woman that feels responsible for familial bonding and family traditions.The second reason is the modern woman's own battle with her identity. What does being a woman mean? Does it mean she is no longer the type of mother she herself holds in high regard? Fundamentally, what kind of human being is she? Her mind is a jumble of ideas, and every day she has to negotiate her way into her ill-fitting shoes.
Another reason for the mother-first syndrome may be that women feel they are not privy to any legacy other than their children and this gnaws at their self-assurance. Here, HIS-tory is to blame. Would history have reconciled a great female leader with dereliction of domestic duties and granted her the title of Mother of Nation? Maybe things are changing. That history will take a kinder look at women focusing more on themselves then their roles as mothers. Nevertheless, it still takes remarkable pluck for a mainstream woman to strive to leave an independent legacy and not judge herself or be judged for not being an "ideal" mother.
Depending on the unique situation of the woman, the mother-first syndrome manifests in different ways. The range includes bitter wives who blame their husbands for the sacrifices they have had to make, mothers who treat their children as personal possessions, and tiger moms who insist that their children be moulded to their vision. The reservations against any of these weaknesses get milder as the women grow. In the end, unhindered by any checks, the women succumb to their primary acuities, the ones they hold in their subconscious. The syndrome also affects all women equally--whether she is on top of the food chain or a stay-at-home mom. Take for example, Indira Gandhi's portrait as a mother in the Pupul Jayakar's biography. What emerges is a great leader being overpowered by an illogical fragile persona, a mother blind to her son's follies. And now history is repeating itself with Sonia Gandhi. Similar to her mother-in-law, she seems to have fallen prey to the mother-first syndrome. Sonia sans Rahul is an independent minded, seasoned politician but Sonia with Rahul is definitely a mother-first.
In Aandhi (1975), a movie way ahead of its time, the leading lady (beautifully portrayed by Suchitra Sen) shows up at the hotel where her separated husband is the manager. She--the protagonist--is shown as a busy politician who successfully braves a political storm. In between she reconnects with her husband reminiscing about the old times but is still not sorry about the choices she has made. Their daughter is at a boarding school. All is well, and a mother-first ending would have wanted her to give up her political career and settle down with her husband and daughter. Instead, she hops on to her helicopter and leaves for her next assignment. Maybe Sonia Gandhi can take a cue. After all, does India really need another of its great woman leaders succumbing to the mother-first syndrome?