7-phase UP election is so boring, even Rangoon can’t beat it

Loha Singh
Loha SinghMar 02, 2017 | 18:10

7-phase UP election is so boring, even Rangoon can’t beat it

The ongoing Uttar Pradesh elections will go down in history as one of the most boring political exercises in any democracy. This is even longer than an Ashutosh Gowarikar remake of Rangoon.

Some voters have gotten married and are two months pregnant since the process began, but this election has not ended. 

Politicians are so bored they have run out of false promises and are just mouthing F-words without giving the Fs just to keep the voter interested in democracy. 

Who's responsible for this mess? The Election Commission, obviously. Yes, I have heard that before. Uttar Pradesh being a large state and all. If you can't hold an election in three phases — max— resign and let somebody with the stomach to do that take over. 

Anything that lasts more than three phases is dead.

Anything that lasts more than three phases is dead. One of the reasons we want to live is that life has three phases. Then you are dead. Imagine a stage after your old age. Like post-old age where you beg to die. That's the stage we are in, in UP and somebody call it already, please. Whoever wins, people of UP will lose. So how does it matter?

Politicians will win. More than 400 of them. They will go to Lucknow and get right swipes on Tinder. Except Gayatri Prajapati, who rapes women because nobody told him about Tinder. What are people going to get? Five years of peace, with next to no political interference. 

Don't you miss that, UP? When Behenji was in Rajya Sabha waiting for a Dalit topic to burn so that she can read from Satish Mishra's papers. When Mulayam Singh would be nice to his son even when people were around. When Narendra Modi would be on a plane sleeping so that he could start working the moment he deplaned in a nicer country. 

When Amit Shah would be intimidating MPs instead of addressing rallies in dusty UP towns. When Rahul Gandhi would drive a Range Rover scouting for people in trouble to stand with them. When you could go buy a Banarasi paan without running into three politicians and nine journalists in Varanasi. We miss those innocent days. It's been very long. 

What have they done to a state of the gloriously dirty rivers like Ganga and Yamuna? Hindus and Muslims have stopped rioting because politicians will profit from it. Yadavs are treating Muslims like royalty because there's fear of them voting the BSP. Dalits are divided between Modiji's promises and Mayawati's statues. Baniyas are crushed by demonetisation but have to vote BJP. Non-Yadav OBCs have no love left for OBCs, yet won't show it. Brahmins and Thakurs have family feuds over who to vote. Jats are done with the vote and are back on the road. It's been a long time of keeping emotions in check. Bad for health. 

Trains are running late and railways still blame it on the fog though the fog vanished a long time ago. You know why? Because there are strict orders: no derailment. You can't blame Pakistan all the time. So express trains are running slow because another derailment will mean bad publicity which is not good for votes. 

Reporters are on the ground, bargaining for hotel rooms and eating dust at roadside dhabas. Some haven't seen a decent meal in three months. They get by, by posting photos of chaat and kachoris on Instagram, making desk people in Noida jealous of the fun they have had on the road. The fact is they have battled diseases, sneezed through the day and snored through the night in dirty lodges claiming to be hotels. 

All these guys started in winter. An entire season has passed but this election hasn't got over. The spring did not spring this year and summer is already here. Can we forgive the people of UP for being overproductive and overpopulating, which led to this obscenity called a seven-phase election? Make war, not love, and if you do, bachche do hi achhe. You can't afford to have seven kids or seven-phase polls. Stop it. This is not UP election. It ends at this point. 

Thank you.

Last updated: March 02, 2017 | 18:10
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