I am a thirty-six-year-old housewife.
I know, the word 'housewife' is not very attractive. But this is how it is. I have been married for the past 15 years. Blessed with a pair of twins, aged 14. My husband has a stationery shop. He is 37 years old. In brief, that is my life, as of now.
And I am addicted to online sex chats with younger men.
Now, you find me interesting, don’t you?
Who am I?
Before I tell you about my online sexual rendezvous, let me take you through my background. I come from a very middle-class conservative family. I got married when I was 21, it was an arranged marriage. My husband was 22. I was married off within a month of my graduating.
At 22 and 21, my husband and I were too young to take the responsibility of marriage. But we tried.
He had a small stationery shop back then. He worked hard to make ends meet. We lived alone as the shop was at the other end of the town, away from where my in-laws lived. We lived in the flat right above our stationery shop — that was the arrangement.
At 21, I had an arranged marriage. Children soon followed. (Picture for representational purposes only) (Source: IndiaToday.in)
That is how my life began at 21. Not much has changed. Just that after a year — 10 months to be precise — we had our twins; both sons.
My everyday life
The birth of our sons was overwhelming. We were both young parents with no clue of how to get it right. But I must say, my husband did whatever he could. He would babysit one child in the shop as I bathed and fed the other. Many a night, when I would be exhausted, he would take care of the boys. We did not make enough to hire a full-time house help. We had a part-time help who would clean the house and do the utensils.
Yet, we were always sleep-deprived. My husband too stopped going out much with his friends. In short, the first few years of our married lives were just spent raising our sons. Until they started going to school full-time, we hardly had time to breathe.
I also started taking tuitions back then. I would teach from 3:30 pm to 5 pm. That meant that my sons finished their homework within that time. This system went on till they were turned 12 or 13. Up until then, they needed me around constantly. My life revolved around them. But soon, they were too busy in their own lives — their own circle of friends, their own video games and television shows. I was suddenly not needed much. They mostly needed me when they were hungry. My husband was always busy in the shop. Suddenly, I had the whole day to myself. And I started feeling lonely.
My loneliness drove me to the Internet. (Picture for representational purposes only) (Source: Reuters)
My virtual sex life begins
I was already 33 then. This loneliness drove me to the Internet. I started talking to random men on chat sites. Most you know they're looking for sex. But those conversations gave me a sense of being surrounded by people. The Internet has the gift of anonymity — I could open up a lot to faceless men.
No, I never revealed my identity. I would always mention I am married. As for the rest, maybe, no one bothered.
I suddenly started feeling better about myself. All these years, my identity was restricted within the family. Now, not anymore.
Generally, you start talking to a few and then keep in touch with only one or two. I have chatted with a lot of men — usually working men living away from home, or married men still 'looking out'.
Of course, there are creeps who would call themselves 'uncle' and want only sex.
But let me be honest. I am a very average-looking Indian woman. Even before marriage, men never showed much interest in me. I often lie to my husband that I received a lot of male attention, but never pursued it because my family wouldn't be okay with it. But the truth is that I never had any.
I went to an all-girls' school, and while my friends always had plenty of male suitors, I was mostly just the messenger delivering boys' letters to the respective girls.
I thought, maybe things would change in college. Though I went to a co-ed college, nothing changed. Boys were nice to me. But they did not notice me like they noticed my friends. I was as invisible as the air around. I so wished someone noticed me.
Then marriage happened. As my kids grew up, I started feeling jealous of my old friends. At least they had great break-up stories. At least they were loved, noticed and wanted. I was the 'good girl.'
But what choice did I have?
With my online rendezvous, I had the chance to live those 'unlived' parts of my life.
I could pretend to be of any age. I would send pictures of my private parts and make a man beg to hear my voice. I was careful enough never to send my face.
I have always been an otherwise angry person — but I have noticed how these affairs made me gentler, softer and kinder towards my husband.
Men would moan. I liked that. (Picture for representational purposes only) (Source: Reuters)
The innumerable online affairs
From the age of 25 to 45 — I had all kinds of men I was talking to. I would usually chat either on Gtalk or Kik.
For the married men, I would always begin with the line, 'If I were your wife,' and then pretend to be like her. We would talk about things we would do — hugging, cuddling, going to movies and making out everywhere. I would create that make-believe world.
Then, we would have some video sex too. I have seen more d***s than I can remember. Men would moan. I liked that. Some would thank me. And then go back to sleep.
It’s nice to know that I become their lover and sex goddess too. Making them desire me and moan.
Most affairs lasted not more than 3 months. Deep down, we all knew it was make-believe. But this is like a soothing balm for me.
I have been frustrated in so many ways for so many years but I feel so much better now. I am almost addicted to one affair a day now.
The way ahead
Online, I transform into someone men would die to date. (Picture for representational purposes only) (Source: Reuters)
Now, in the real world, I am a middle-aged woman, slightly overweight. Not someone you would notice if I walked past you. Most people I meet call me 'aunty.' I am just a 'mother' and 'wife' at home. And socially, just a vote.
I am not disillusioned in life. I understand that reality is difficult. My college friends at 36 still make head turns. They are still called 'Yummy Mummy'. They are financially independent as well, and when I witness their lives on social media, it makes me feel inferior.
But once I am with my online lovers, I transform into the woman I aspire to be — gorgeous, confident and someone men would die to have a date with.
My life is mundane, and I know that. I am ordinary. You won’t miss me if I am not around. But in my online world, I am living my dream, and that makes my real life beautiful, too.
I need to go now, I have an online lover waiting. I want to steam up the conversation. He is 27. I am 36.
(As told to Paromita Bardoloi)