Why survivors of childhood sexual abuse are asked to 'forget it'
My friend, a 45-year-old successful businessman was no longer able to deal with his emotional issues and decided to go for therapy.
Revisiting his memories during therapy, he was confronted with the experience of his childhood sexual abuse.
As a child, he had survived the experience by dismissing it as a non-event and relegating it to some dark corner of his mind. During therapy, the memories of the abuse resurfaced and for the first time in his life, he could see the incident for the nightmare it had been. And with it materialised decades of repressed feelings of grief, anger and shame.
As he came to terms with the fact that the sexual abuse was not an isolated incident, but one that had sub-consciously impacted every area of his life, the inexplicable void, anger and sadness of all these years started making sense.
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| The self-perception of being a victim in most situations creates a dysfunctional human being who is not able to lead a normal life. (Credit: Reuters photo) |
He understood the long nights of loneliness. He understood the misplaced anger. He understood his own insecurities. He understood the reason behind his own sexual behaviours.
The fog was finally lifting.
All these years, he had kept the incident to himself, sharing it only with his best friend. He had honoured the traditional code of "family secrets" and felt proud of it. He felt he was man enough to take it in his stride. He realised the cost of that code now.
Part of the prescribed therapeutic process for adult victims of childhood abuse is to confront the abuser and/or the caregivers. Some confront them directly, others employ indirect methods like writing letters but never sending them. It depends upon the individual's comfort level and the safety involved. Having been deprived of the opportunity and right to express oneself in the past, a core part of the therapeutic process is to encourage expression. Self-expression and communication are the key to healing.
My friend decided to share this experience with his parents. He desperately wanted to know whether his parents had known about this incident. As he sat with his 70-plus years old parents in their living room, he told them that he had something important to share with them. Without much further ado he asked them, "Did you know I was sexually abused by our servant when I was six years old?"
His father shocked and totally taken aback took a few minutes to digest this information before replying, "I had no idea. Why did you not inform us then that he did such a mischief with you? We would have kicked him out immediately."
His mother, consoling him, said, "Son, it happened such a long time ago. Let go of the past."
In being honest with his parents, my friend had finally found some relief. Some part of his burden had finally been lifted. Some real connection had been finally formed with his parents. The beginning of authenticity!
However as he mulled over his parents' words, there was disappointment too. "Let it go?” How could he do that? Had he not tried? Had he not tried so hard to forget all these years? However, the feelings had stayed making him wonder what was wrong with him. Why could he not feel happy despite having it all?
And now that the memories were enabling him to find the answers at last, he was simply being advised to forget it.
He felt heart-broken at this clear lack of understanding by his parents, at this dismissal of all the grief and anger he had suffered all these years.
I have met some other adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse who have had similar stories to share. Similar responses from their parents. "It happens to a lot of people. It happened a long time ago. Forget the past, move on."
The question then is — Is it so easy to move on? Is it easy to forget the past and live in the present? Even if we do forget the past in some way, does it have no ramifications for the present?
Who is the adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse? Any individual who was sexually abused as a child is an adult survivor of child sexual abuse. In most scenarios, the victim of the abuse never discussed the abuse with others while it was occurring. Some survivors keep the abuse a secret for many years. They may have tried to tell an adult and met with resistance or felt there was no one they could trust.
For these reasons and many others, the effects of sexual abuse can occur many years after the abuse has ended. There is no set timeline for dealing with and recovering from this experience.
I delved deep into the body of research on the possible effects of childhood sexual abuse on the adult survivor. For survivors, the effects of child sexual abuse can be devastating. They may feel significant distress and display a wide range of psychological symptoms, both short- and long-term.
Some of the effects include: feelings of extremely low self-esteem or self-hatred; extreme depression; feelings of being damaged or defective as a person; feelings of guilt, shame and blame; frequent sleep disturbances and nightmares; flashbacks.
Trust becomes a crucial issue for many survivors throughout their lives. Intimacy in relationships is impaired. Survivors may feel betrayed resulting in an inability to trust adults because someone they depended on has caused them great harm or failed to protect them.
Empirical studies have indicated reactions of fear, anxiety, depression, anger and hostility, aggression, and sexually inappropriate behaviour. Frequently reported long-term effects include depression and self-destructive behaviour, anxiety, feelings of isolation and stigma, poor self-esteem, difficulty in trusting others, a tendency toward revictimisation, substance abuse and sexual maladjustment (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2016 APA).
According to The British Journal of Psychiatry, substance abuse and suicidal behaviour were also more commonly reported by the abused group.
As per the Child Abuse & Neglect (Volume 7, Issue 2) Child victims of sexual abuse face secondary trauma in the crisis of discovery. Their attempts to reconcile with their private experiences with the realities of the outer world are assaulted by the disbelief, blame and rejection they experience from adults. The normal coping behaviour of the child contradicts the entrenched beliefs and expectations typically held by adults, stigmatising the child with charges of lying, manipulating or imagining from parents, courts and clinicians. Such abandonment by the very adults most crucial to the child's protection and recovery drives the child deeper into self-blame, self-hate, alienation and revictimisation.
The most typical reactions of children are classified into five categories, of which two define basic childhood vulnerability and three are sequentially contingent on sexual assault: (1) secrecy, (2) helplessness, (3) entrapment and accommodation, (4) delayed, unconvincing disclosure, and (5) retraction.
Revictimisation describes the process whereby women who were sexually abused as children frequently find themselves in abusive, dangerous situations, or relationships as adults. Those with a prior history of sexual victimisation are extremely likely to be revictimised. Some research estimates an increased risk of over 1000 per cent.
A study conducted in 1986 found that 63 per cent of women who had suffered sexual abuse by a family member also reported a rape or attempted rape after the age of 14. Recent studies in 2000, 2002 and 2005 have all concluded similar results.
Our sense of self is largely created in our childhood. Childhood sexual abuse creates a sense of shame in a culture that treats sex as taboo and does not offer a safe space to discuss the topic. The child grows up cloaked in feelings of shame. He or she perceives themselves as defective, as different from the society, as victims.
The self-perception of being a victim in most situations creates a dysfunctional human being who is not able to lead a normal, balanced life and is almost always haunted by feelings, they find difficult to verbalize even to their ownselves.
The 45-year-old friend has a bunch of conflicts related to his sexuality. Here is what he confided in me, "Sex makes me feel that my partner likes me… loves me… approves of me… that all is well in the world. Sex makes me feel powerful and in control."
He has been in several sexual relationships yet has never found intimacy. He feels frustrated with his lack of ability to build lasting relationships. He then drowns his frustration in alcohol.
A 30-year-old woman who was sexually abused as a child has lost all interest in sex. Another 25-year-old believes that she is defective, that something is wrong with her. She has never been able to voice her opinions on most matters, considering herself to be "less than" others.
Another woman grants sexual favours as she has grown believing that sex is the barter mechanism. Even subtle actions like girls batting their eyelids or blushing for a favour is a subtle form of this learnt behaviour. Sex becomes a currency.
Some of these people despite being high achievers are confronted with an inexplicable void in their lives. They find it difficult to deal with the solitude of their own company. They find it difficult to deal with the voices in their head. They use people, work, sex, drugs and food to fix this pain. The pain does not go away. They suffer silently for years, not sure of what is wrong with them.
Some lucky ones seek help in desperation — through a therapist or a support group or a knowledgeable and empathetic friend. After a prolonged period of painful introspection, they realise that it is the trauma and the repressed anger and grief of their childhood abuse that is causing all this pain.
They muster up the courage to share the story of their abuse with their family. And then they are told, "Forget it. Move on."
What can be more gruesome for that person?
And that is why I decided to write this article. With the idea that even if one person - a parent, a friend or a spouse understands the content of this article, I will consider it time well spent.
You cannot tell someone to forget abuse that happened in their childhood because it was not an isolated incident of abuse. It is about the feelings and the self-perception that incident created. And in turn, the countless nights of grief and pain that these feelings caused.
The anger needs to be vented, the tears need to flow, and validation received from trusted sources. It is only through this process that we can free ourselves of the past.
Next time, a loved one shares his/her abuse story, don't simply shrug it off. Offer a hug. Don't ask the person to move on. Offer the person a safe space and an attentive ear. Sometimes all we need is that.
Some words of consolation you can offer your loved ones are : “I’m sorry this happened.” “It’s not your fault.” “I believe you.” “You are not alone.” “You can trust me.”