No. If you slap your loved one, you don't love them: Why 'Kabir Singh' director Sandeep Reddy Vanga is totally wrong

'Kabir Singh' is famously sexist. And director Sandeep Reddy Vanga has defended the protagonist, played by Shahid Kapoor, hitting the woman lead. As a man, I am appalled.

 |  3-minute read |   08-07-2019
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I'm a man. I have been in love. And I simply don’t agree with Sandeep Reddy Vanga, director of Kabir Singh, who recently stated, “When you are deeply in love and deeply connected to a woman (and vice versa), if you don’t have the liberty of slapping each other, then I don’t see anything there.” 

If slapping a woman whom you love is what Reddy Vanga calls what "happens when you are deeply in love", then clearly, his masculinity is deeply brittle and totally toxic. At any point, beating, slapping, kicking, hurling abuses at each other, no, none of that happens in love.

 sandeep-inside_070819013137.jpg Thanks, Mr Reddy Vanga. For teaching us what love isn't. (Photo: Social Media)

I have been married for the last 10 years and not once has the occasion arisen when I had to even think of slapping my wife or the other way around. Yes, we do have altercations, of course — this does happen when two people stay together, there are bound to be differences, but this does not give you the liberty to slap the person you say you love.

The director then went on to say during his interview that, “I’m not endorsing that (physical violence). I can’t reply to everybody in this world. When people are deeply connected in love they should not shy away from the fact that they can show their worst side to each other. That’s what love is all about.”

I'm not a huge cinema buff but I do believe that frequently, what happens is that directors, like writers or painters, bring out what they have seen and gone through in their personal lives in the movies they are making. Does this mean that Vanga has also hit the person whom he loves?

Take a minute to ponder, fellow men, on why this statement is just so deeply worrying. We all have women around us. They are our family, our friends, our co-workers. We live, work, travel and go out with them — does this mean that when you have an argument with a woman or vice-versa, you should hit them?

No.

The more mature you are, the more you learn to control your weak sides, your immediate impulses, your anger.

In fact, you make a great effort to not hurt the ones you love. In my opinion, slapping or kicking the person you love shows how weak you are.

And how you don't actually love them.

And how you certainly don't deserve their love.

When I get into an argument with my wife, there have been instances where we have raised our voices — but then, we would see our little daughter staring at us. Her innocent face completely melts both of us down, so we change the topic and come to an amicable decision on what we are arguing over — and period. Then we consciously never think of what the altercation was about. Yes, in love, there will be disputes, but this does not mean that we have to get physical to prove who is stronger and correct.

Hitting out only shows that one is not able to take 'no'.

That you have no respect — and no trust — in the other person's words, their feelings or their dignity.

Then, where is the love?

kabir2-india-today-i_070819112907.jpgHitting out does not make one person stronger or is any justification of love between two people. (Photo: India Today)

There are many other ways to show that you are deeply in love and also want to resolve an issue. Take your partner out for a walk, talk to each other about issues which trouble you. Trust me, speaking does solve everything — never stretch an argument so far that you will have to wake up the next morning not talking to each other. Always make sure that one person is at least able to say ‘I’m sorry’ for whatever happened and move on from there.

An ideal relationship for me is one where there is love, caring and a place where both partners can solve their issues, not by raising their hands or voices, but by speaking with each other. And by hearing each other out/

Start respecting the person whom you love. Otherwise, be honest and say — I don't love you but I want to dominate/own/possess/display/push you around/use you for my selfish ego. Basically, I will do everything to you — except love you. 

Also read: When victimhood is a warm place: Indian women accept toxic masculinity because it keeps us safe

Writer

Rohit David Rohit David @rohitedavid

Senior Assistant Editor, DailyO

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