Art & Culture

Cut it out: Open letter to Pahlaj Nihalani

Kaveree Bamzai
Kaveree BamzaiJun 08, 2016 | 20:02

Cut it out: Open letter to Pahlaj Nihalani

Dear Pahlajji,

Namaskar, I mean, Namo-skar.

This is to thank you for providing us more amusement through your actions as chairman of Central Board for Film Certification than you ever did in your films. "Will I be chamcha of my country's PM or Italy's PM?" you said today. Wah, wah! Wah. Wah!


This is to acknowledge your contribution to a rare event - the almost-unity in Bollywood, something that few others have been able to achieve in the face of a murderous assault on freedom of expression.

And this is to alert you to the infinite possibilities of the cuts you have unveiled.

Pahlaj Nihalani.

I would urge the filmmakers of Udta Punjab to remove Punjab from their title (we all know nothing portrayed in the film ever happens in the Land of Badals) only if the same is done to other titles that mention specific geographies.

In order to lighten your load (after all, how many films can you watch to protect the sanskari Indian?) I would like to point you towards some other films and the reasons for retrospectively amending their titles:

Of course I am doing this, because, like Anurag Kashyap, I am desperate for publicity.

We all want to be as famous as you, Pahlajji. After all, not all of us can boast of being Shatrughan Sinhaji's best friend.

So please do consider this list and the reasons for change in title:


1. Mother India

To be henceforth known only as Mother. For, how can any son of Bharat Mata possibly be like Birju? All sons have to be virtuous and honest. There is no room for thievery, dacoity, or any other kind of vice.

2. Mission Kashmir

To be known as Mission. For there is no such thing as terrorism in Kashmir. Or any disaffection of any sort. Ask the PDP. They are our allies there. They can vouch for peace in that state. Azaadi, you said? What's that? Let's rename it Kashmir ki Kalli instead.

3. Namaste London

To be known as Namaste. For, how can we possibly be saluting a colonial power? One that ruled us so viciously for 200 years?

4. Delhi Belly

We are considering keeping this name intact. For anyone who eats in Arvind Kejriwal's Delhi is sure to regret it (unless he is consuming Patanjali products).

5. Gangs of Wasseypur

This refers to a town in erstwhile Bihar, the Land That Rejected the Lotus. So yes, this name too shall remain as is.

6. Bombay


We never liked this film anyway. And we certainly won't have it called Mumbai. Let this Mani Ratnam film - which tries to show the impact of violence on both Hindus and Muslims (as if) - be forever nameless.

7. Madras Café

We are recommending to Modiji's dear friend, Jayalalithaaji, that she change this name too to the only one it can possibly be: Amma Café. This fits in with the interests of pre-poll alliances for 2019 general elections.

We may, however, keep Chennai Express the way it is, though we don't particularly like Shah Rukh Khan, its star.

8. Go Goa Gone

Never! The BJP is coming back to power in the Assembly elections and we need something for Manohar Parikkarji to do. He cannot be expected to be satisfied with running the defence ministry alone. So gone Goa, it ain't.

9. Badlapur

Well that pretty much sums up the whole tenure of Prime Minister Narendra Modiji so far. We have to take revenge on the Mughals, the British, the Nehru-Gandhis, the Lutyens' insiders, the Congress toadies, the minorities, the so-called intellectuals, the so-called seculars, and every enemy of Subramanian Swamy.

You get the picture.

Hope this is enough Pahlajji to keep your busy for the next few weeks.


Yours sincerely,

Udta Kaveree.

Last updated: June 09, 2016 | 14:34
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