#TheDailyToast: The feminism of Bollywood

There are two kinds of women in Bollywood: Those whose feminism is their misguided ticket to the hey this is so cool bandwagon, swinging all the way into a proxy masculinity, if not to some freedoms in life itself. And there are those who do not know what feminism is. (Which is still better than those who pretend to know what it is and just, honestly, don't. *cough* Sonam Kapoor *cough*.

Bringing up lead nominations in the latter category come Parineeti Chopra and Vidya Balan. Both of whose claims to fame have ironically been um... The few, very few, feminist-themed films in Indian cinema, from Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl to Shuddh Desi Romance to Kahaani and Bobby Jasoos... More's the pity... Never mind them shaping their entire identity on the idea that women should not be held prisoners to their looks, image and the male gaze... Here's Parineeti giving a sexist journalist what for and Vidya Balan brushing off weight issues like a pro... Which seems to indicate feminism is now being abandoned because it is failing to make the cash registers sing for these chain-of-flops actors... Which of course, as everyone knows, is the primary function of feminism... ...

As Emma Watson will tell you, it is the best way to instant universal recognition as an artist in a Prada suit and the UN has special lighting that makes your skin glow AND you get distribution rights in all registered national languages in THE WORLD. Which is literally the only reason anyone could possibly think of for her being there you know. No, Hermoine is not a feminist either. We're so glad you read all the Harry Potter books right to the bitter end, skipping no pages whatsoever and we hope you almost play the Hindi rip-off sometime soon and audition to do a magic item number but are replaced by a younger actress who will be victim to the casting couch and looks prettier and thinner because she can go a whole week on karela juice while you are just way too wrinkled and old at the 32 you pretend to be in order to be salvaged now so you get offered the role of either the sorceress or the mother. And Sanjay Gupta has to redeem you and himself in a film Quentin Tarantino himself will stage a protest to and the NYPD will boycott.

Perhaps it comes from a yearning for the kind of blockbuster success that only comes with on-screen trophy roles.

Which they're now taking so seriously they believe standing up for themselves involves surrendering the badge of womanhood. We are not talking about Ameesha Patel here who believes standing up is surrendering the badge of her womanhood in some way, which is a kind of feminism we haven't even begun to understand, considering as Purba Ray on Twitter put it, we've all been running, cycling, swimming through all our not so problem problems ... (Your feminism is just way too advanced for us, girl... muaah muaah... brunch?).

But why take it from other women, you know, since as NOT feminists you probably think women don't know what the hell they're talking about anyway, and you ought to ask a man...

Be my guest..

Oh what... you didn't know men could be feminists too? What, *Now* you wanna join this club on the off chance you may get to share a panel with the Hulk when he's battling water issues in Bihar? Oh you're so lucky feminism doesn't disbar the so dumb we hope your brains fall out with your hair brigade. Because that's not a gender problem, thanks to feminism. Stupidity is just *your* problem now.