Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As you watch Nitish Kumar resign (because he wanted a clean Cabinet) and then become the chief minister of Bihar again (but with a Cabinet of even more criminals), you find yourself thinking that Indian politics is much more interesting than the latest season of the Game of Thrones. Even here, the real enemy always comes from the north.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
As the chief graphic designer at Rajnikant v/s CID jokes, you are quite saddened by how soon the Indian public has forgotten about Dhinchak Pooja.
The 3,291 memes you made on "Selfie maine le li aaj" will have to be flushed down the recycle bin. Or maybe you should keep them handy for when she releases a dumb song again.
Aries (March 21-April 20)
This month, instead of watching Republic TV or watching Comedy Nights with Kapil, why not join a gym or try jogging in the evenings?
Just kidding. The damage is already done. There is no hope for you. No one's going to miss you when you're gone.
As a BJP supporter who voted for no terrorism attacks and fewer scams, you find yourself regretting your decision as the BJP is involved in everything that the Congress was party to.
Taurus (April 21-May 20)
As a BJP supporter who voted for no terrorism attacks or riots, cheaper fuel costs and fewer scams, you find yourself regretting your decision as the BJP is involved in everything that the Congress party was… only with an addition of cows.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
On the night of August 10, you will be unable to sleep due to your wife's snoring. You will go down to the living room and switch on the TV. While watching a National Geographic programme, you will fall in love with the guy in an ad for Trivago online hotel booking.
You will realise that your wife and your kids, this whole life is a sham and that you were put on Earth just to become one with the Trivago guy.
You will leave a note on the kitchen table and set out to find this guy who is not only your soulmate but also knows where the cheapest hotel rooms are.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
You will celebrate this 15th of August like you celebrate every Independence Day, that is, getting drunk on your balcony and singing aloud to melodramatic patriotic songs and telling your Muslim neighbours to go to Pakistan.
Leo (July 21-August 20)
Your editor at DailyO will ask you to send the horoscopes by August 1, but because you are a lazy bum you will only submit it to him by the 2nd.
This will cause turmoil in the astrology community and many will argue that no good astrologer worth his salt should skip two days as people are dependent on these readings to guide them through life. You apologise to everyone and promise to deliver on time next time.
Virgo (August 21-September 20)
Don't hate the player, hate the game. Except if the game is cricket, in which case you should hate both. Seriously, screw cricket. Bunch of millionaires running after a ball.
Libra (September 21-October 20)
This week you add an acquaintance from your college on Facebook. Just when you were wondering why the two of you were not that close during college, you see him post an article about how Lord Krishna hated Bangladeshis.
Now that you think of it, he was a racist in college too and wore far too many orange clothes. Unfriend.
Scorpio (October 21-November 2)
On August 21 you will find yourself remembering that time when you got your first real six-string. You bought it at the five-and-dime. You played it 'til your fingers bled. It was the summer of '69. Standin' on your mama's porch. You told me that you'd wait forever. Oh, and then you held my hand. I knew that it was now or never. Those were the best days of my life.
Sagittarius (November 21-December 20)
Masturbating in the Delhi Metro doesn't make you a "Metrosexual". You need a dictionary.
Capricorn (December 21-January 19)
This month you will return to your ancestral village after 14 years and will discover that everything is smaller than you last remember. This is because you have gained 110kg in weight.
Everything is smaller compared to you. Seriously, you need to stop eating. I'm not talking about cutting down on snacks. Just. Stop. Eating.