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#TheDailyToast: Stand for anything, sit for nothing

Gayatri Jayaraman
Gayatri JayaramanDec 01, 2015 | 15:57

#TheDailyToast: Stand for anything, sit for nothing

We don't stand for nonsense here, oh no. Kanika Bala may have needed two of the Indian military's best trained soldiers on the Siachen glacier to hold up a flag, but heck, we have popcorn and soda to balance, and barely any leg room, and look at the space on that glacier, so really oranges and apples here.

Never mind that the humble constable Tukaram Omble wilfully and consciously took the full front blast of Kasab's AK-47 warning others to take what remained the sole evidence in the trial of terrorist Ajmal Kasab, alive. Nor that some of the Mumbai Police's finest officers and sharp shooters Ashok Kamte, Vijay Salaskar, Hemant Karkare and that amazing young hero Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan died on the job so we could clutch said popcorn in peace. So just let's not stand up for them, during an anthem that honours them, because that would just mean the terrorists had won. For truly, standing up is optional. Well, at least it is for some people. Just. Not those in uniform clearly.

As Ameesha Patel recently pointed out, there are times in the month when standing up is difficult, just not when it is to order a side of nachos, to land any commercially viable product, or to schmooze up to a potentially influential star who might or might not cast you in his next film.  These are just never inconvenient (no babe, we don't need to sync and cross check the dates, I could be entirely wrong, we're good...). The anthem, god forbid, what is up with just throwing away 52 seconds like that!

It's not like it's a law because there oughtn't be a law that dictates gratitude, respect, or chivalry, a sense of decency, or what would kind of a society would we be, hunh. An intolerant one that's for sure *wink wink, nudge nudge*. Because while the entire film industry cannot stomach being told half their films are crap and a complete waste of box-office money, because then they won't show up to awards functions, grant critics interviews or take calls, let alone have you over for that success bash, especially not if you're Kangana Ranaut and possibly as good as them but just not in a fawning sort of way, they of course are the ones we want to listen to on the matter of an intolerant state.

Because in Bollywood, tolerance is when people agree with you too much and you need to them to tone it down so you can hear your fans chanting your name as they impale themselves on their box office stubs. Ask Vikram Sampath who got boycotted by award returnee Sara Jacob and some Canadians who were standing for none of this idea that one can criticise a political party some of the time without being against them all of the time.

Like, since when bhai? No wonder he got called "a little PR muffin" and told that he wasn't no Ram Guha, who incidentally, continues to clutch his award to his libtaard chest... ouch!    We have officially reached that point in our history when the absence of a law for what we are free not to do is imperative. We need the Standing Up Act of 2015 so that every time Aamir Khan stands up, we will know in advance if Anupam Kher will have to sit down and if not, then who will correspondingly stand up at the other end, and is this an infinite loop or can someone end it with a Safeword or will everyone just stay standing for eternity because this can get quite exhausting, never mind us running out of actors. And because who knows what one is to stand up for anymore, and what one is to not stand up for?

Chidambaram, for one, is quite confused about what not to apologise for, Jaitley has more people going into the closet than stepping out of it, and Rahul Gandhi is still counting the yays and nays on Swachh Bharat and Make In India on behalf of.. um... the Modi government. Chennai has no clue if it's sinking or swimming, and the Fadnavis government is battling the courts on dance bars and Maggi, equally, because let's just not stand for pollution. Everywhere, except in the air.

The paradox of the age is those who stand for anything, they'll sit for nothing, it would seem. Give me the man who stands for nothing any day.

Last updated: December 01, 2015 | 16:57
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