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#TheDailyToast: Be calm and do yoga when terror strikes

Gayatri Jayaraman
Gayatri JayaramanJan 04, 2016 | 08:38

#TheDailyToast: Be calm and do yoga when terror strikes

It is in the nation's interest to be calm and do yoga when the inevitable terrorist attack occurs. Not least since we have given up on trying to avoid one. Why else would we torture witnesses of an abduction by the enemy rather than listen to them?

Well, one would argue that torture is what largely constitutes conversation for the Punjab Police, still, a cup of tea first would have been nice. It is highly recommended that one tweets on yoga, even if one cannot perform it, as one is perpetually in a state of transit (damn this jet-lagging job, he he...) but when the enemy strikes what you really want is not an NSG commando but a quick leap into padmasana.

Pranayama is especially useful to prevent you blowing your lid when Karnataka chief minister Siddaramaiah nods off to sleep on the dais of your all-important non-Vedic science address, making it hostile territory enough. Thanks to which everyone missed the fact that it was the first prime ministerial science address that actually focused on pure sciences, and the advanced engineering degree in Vedic aviation at IIT-Varanasi was not brought up even once.

Pity no one noticed the five Es though - economy, environment, energy, empathy and equity. (but really Edinburgh, Ebetsu, Eindhoven, Esfahan and Edmonton USA #2016 woohoo!)

But this is the new political strategy across the board from the AAP to BJP now: none o that huddling in air conditioned conferences with a panel commission and cups of tea and samosas. The new wars are won with hugs, birthday cake, selfies, detours, catching up on sleep, jetting off to Europe and South East Asia and Bangalore and detoxing, and, in the AAP, calling oneself your son.

All this aims to make your average friendly neighbourhood politician lovable. Which is why Bihar is so behind in this game (They kill each other there if you try to hug them which explains the rising crime rate. As Lalu put it he signed up to hold hands, but what's all this. All Nitish's fault.) Basically, startle the enemy and disarm him with kindness. He will be so enraged he'll send armed gunmen after you.

So, whatever else you may or may not do in power, never forget a birthday. This is not only because you have now taken a detour to hug Nawaz Sharif on his, therefore making it highly questionable and subject to whataboutery should you forget or fail to cross borders to wish others on theirs, but because it is what clearly smokes terrorists out of their hiding places and is an invaluable tool of counter terrorism as we will hear intelligence chief Ajit Doval shortly proclaim.

It was all planned you see. Why else did they both sport pre-packaged pink turbans? There is always a larger plan. Strike a pose, preferably shavasana, all will be clear.

Last updated: January 04, 2016 | 08:38
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