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10 commandments of chartered accountants

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Rahul Batra
Rahul BatraDec 06, 2014 | 13:35

10 commandments of chartered accountants

1.) Do not get photos clicked without wearing a suit and posing at a 45-degree angle: Accountants have a fetish for posing in suits like no other human being. They can wear the same suit to their birthday party, wedding and (God forbid) even their coffin. Now, you might argue that it's the "professional look" that is the reason behind it. That made sense till the time lab coat clad douchebags in Teleshop ads ruined it.

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2.) Sing songs praising Bill Gates and his minions for creating Microsoft Excel: Harsh truth, but, amongst the various limitations of Microsoft Excel, the ability to reproduce and form living organisms clearly stands out, otherwise accountants would be more than happy to abandon all forms of human contact. Accountants have this undying thirst for knowledge, so much so that they would be willing to trade loved ones in return for learning a new Excel keyboard shortcut or formula. Other softwares like Tally and SAGE come in handy, too. However, Tally is one software which defies levels of human boredom. Trust me, watching paint dry is far more entertaining than using it.

3.) Always put your client's interest before yours: Clients are to be given priority at all times. And leg massages, too, if needed. No, seriously.

4.) Do not compromise with dowry rates: In a world inhabited by lesser life forms, you are intellectually supreme. Mankind's only hope to show us the the way forward. Agreed, you got your a** busted for passing the exams so demanding an above market dowry rate is natural. As someone rightly said, "Ask not what you can do for your soulmate, ask what your pop-in-law can do for you" (damn, I forgot the quote).

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5.) Do not sulk on budget day: The nation's budget day is a great leveler of sorts. All news channels are busy running after economists and bankers for their wise opinions and not you in spite of your financial prowess. Worry not, Gupta aunty's ugly unwed daughter still cares about your opinion on inner beauty.

6.) It is alright to suck at mental maths: Since our early days, we learn the value of professional scepticism, so much so that we reach a stage where we start doubting our basic addition and subtraction skills till the calculator doesn't show the same figure.

7.) Do not bring up topics like inheritance tax at funerals: Accountants have a penchant for bringing up the most unlikely topics at public events. They have inborn abilities to shake the very foundation of a society ruled by the norms of diplomacy. A mere "hello" to us would be enough, should you at any point require a free three-hour prologue that goes something like "Save your taxes... legally... okay, almost legally".

8.) Maintain client confidentiality at all times: The funny thing about client confidentiality is that while boasting about clients over tea, we inevitably leak confidential stuff like "Hey did you know Flipkart employs sub Saharan kids for tax exemptions?" or "That construction group I am working with has prebooked graveyard slots for its ageing board of directors. How considerate of them, na?" or "I was going through their books, man that Country Club guy charged a whopping 50 lakhs to wear sunglasses and stick his thumb out on national television".

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9.) Bill the client for the hours you spend Facebooking using the his wi-fi: Don't feel guilty at all. After Monica Bellucci and Megan Fox, you are the greatest gift to humanity after all. You have the rights to charge a client for using Facebook or downloading movies within the client's premises. They shall be most pleased to pay for the holy rear end that you stuck up that swivel chair to be able to perform your duties.

10.) Do not do cool things, not even in an alternate universe: Parasailing, sky diving, and bungee jumping are for the meek-hearted. True courage lies in debating tax evasion techniques with old uncles and emerging victorious. Little does the world know the sheer joy of blurting out tax regulations verbatim at the drop of a hat.

Last updated: February 01, 2016 | 12:24
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