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Your Horror-scopes for 2015

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Rahul Batra
Rahul BatraJan 03, 2015 | 13:59

Your Horror-scopes for 2015

Warm welcome, 2015. I write this article with a heavy heart. Recently, I had the misfortune of reading my own horoscope for the year ahead in a magazine. For my star sign, Gemini, it read –

“Be careful with your weight as you might start comfort eating.”

Hate it when astrology columns turn into fitness columns. I'll be honest, horoscopes don't make too much sense to me. It's rather idiotic to divide the world into 12 star signs and hypothetically expect them to have the same fate. Surely, the human race deserves a lot more personalisation. Even the guy at Subway interrogates me with 150 odd questions before serving me my sandwich, which I gladly accept, just like cows chew upon available grass, except that I get a fancy Subway logo paper wrapping and a chocolate chip cookie to go along with my pile of grass or “freshetarian revolution”, as my marketing friends would reaffirm rather shamelessly.

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Sir, we have 500 kinds of sauces ready to splash in to your loaf, and ketchup is NOT one of them, for reasons we won't ever tell you. Or your mom. Even if you choose to immolate yourself in protest. 

It is with great joy that I present to you your horoscope for the year ahead, as a small token of love and appreciation for that son of a gun astrologer who predicted mine.

Disclaimer: I have NO experience in fortune telling whatsoever. So, in case you do get run over by a Tata Nano despite me predicting a long life for you, I am not responsible. Not that you have the option to resurrect and take revenge.

I will focus on three major aspects: love life, finance, and health. (Apologies for not being able to touch upon the effects of inter planetary movement on your bowel movements. I am a humour columnist, not a psychic.)

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Your major romantic experiences shall come around June. The universe will conspire so you have the rare opportunity of having bhindi do pyaaza at your crush's wedding. Hold your horses, you won't be the groom, but the jilted lover. With Saturn in the third house and other random planet geo positional co-ordinates that I will make up after three cans of beer, your finances will remain stable overall. Expect a few minor health surgeries and STDs just incase you took the latest MakeMyTrip.com email seriously. FYI, the subject for the email was: “End 2014 with a bang. Book a package to Thailand right away!!”

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Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Expect your “special someone” to kick you out of the house soon. Yeah, mothers get angry sometimes. A warm welcome to the #ForeverAlone zone. We missed you dearly. Money will flow seamlessly, unless you decide to put that cute puppy of yours up for auction online, in which case, do prepare yourself to be struck by lightning. No health problems predicted for the year ahead but do visit your doctor once in a while for that adrenaline rush of giving urine samples while the toilet door latch is broken.

Libra (September 23 — October 23)

A mysterious stranger will enter your life who will eventually end up ruining your love life, finances and health. The income tax inspector. Seriously, appoint a new chartered accountant.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 22)

Your relationship will become more intimate. Expect the police cyber cell department to monitor your creepy Facebook messages to random girls. Saving is a virtue indeed. A wise man once said that I am not wise, and it wasn’t me who said so. But what I will say is that you might as well put that ten rupee note back in to your wallet. Remember that tip you left the waiter in that five-star hotel you dined at, recently? You’re cheap. No major health issues predicted. Piles may or may not affect you. Pretty much depends on the number of diarrhoea patients you mocked in your previous birth.

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Capricorn (December 22- January 20)

You, my friend, are the distressed kind. The world has been rather unkind to you since you were born. Like having a goat as a star sign wasn't embarrassing enough, the world threw bigger challenges at you. Just pray to the celestial powers above that in your next birth, you get a more socially acceptable star sign (like Pikachu or something). Your love life shall blossom in the coming months. So much so that you have the chances of getting kicked out by human resources for sexual harassment. Finances might be a bit tricky. Support piracy. Opt for fake Hugo Boss fragrances. Trust me, no one will notice the difference. Be aware of the symptoms of common cold. They come in handy when you have a fake medical sick leave certificate in hand.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Okay, I am a bit biased. Your star sign is kind of related to water, which in turn is related to Baywatch babes. So I will be kind to you. Expect to flourish in all spheres of life: health, finance, and love. Don't believe the guys who say “love is the greatest treasure of life”. They’re most likely being chased by banks for running late on loan repayments.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Love isn't anywhere near the horizon. But arranged marriage is. So, congratulations! Finances will remain smooth throughout the year. Unless you took up that Country Club annual membership, in which case you might as well seek entertainment by watching pigeons indulge in public display of affection (PDA) in your balcony rather than going out to watch concerts of rejected Bollywood actresses. Heart ailments might bother you. Reduce your samosa consumption as soon as possible.

Virgo (August 24 — September 22)

Romantic relationships may come to a standstill. Gifting that artificial set to your loved one in a branded jewelry box was a f***ed up idea, indeed! Gear up for unexpected business deals which will bring you plenty of fortunes. Trading WWE playing cards with friends does not count, though. Expect liver issues to pop up. Unless you are in Gujarat, in which case, fear diabetes first.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Your potential soul mate is just round the corner and will forever remain there. Who the hell told you that keeping ferocious Dobermans tied to your gate was a hospitable gesture? Expect a windfall shortly in your junk email folder. For a change, Nigerians won't cheat you. Fellow Indians will do the needful! Someone might stab you from behind while you're jogging on the treadmill. Stay away from the gym.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You are fun-loving, creative, gorgeous, intellectual, charming and any other sexy adjectives you can think of. Angelina Jolie, Adriana Lima and Anna Kournikova aside, you also happen to share your star sign with me, the black sheep of the Gemini family. You shall remain clueless in love life, finance and health in 2015, pretty much like I was when I started writing this article. You're welcome!

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Love is eternal indeed, somewhat like Rupa undergarments. You need a new partner soon. Finances will remain stable provided you remain focused on your core skills -- kidnapping toddlers for ransom. Spinal ache could affect your health. Stop being a miser. Upgrade to that business class ticket you have always wanted. The food might suck, but they do give you perfumed wet tissues to wipe your tears filled with guilt for having spent a bomb on shitty service.

Sagittarius (November 23 — December 21)

Cross-cultural romantic relationships are on the cards. Expect a blissful union of two souls destined by the stars for love and love only, and sometimes, U.S. green card citizenship too. You will feel burdened with the weight of materialism on your arms. Seriously, those Louis Vuitton suitcases look ugly! Body ache might cause you many problems. My only advice is: don't try out yogic postures unless you seek a spot on national television in the early morning hours, wearing neon-green spandex so grannies get entertained while watching you break your ligaments one after the other on yoga shows.

Last updated: January 03, 2015 | 13:59
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