How to apply for a job in the Age of Modi

So there is Hema Malini clad in a shocking pink lehariya sari, surrounded by a posse of policemen and three policewomen, wielding a broom twice her size, cleaning a very clean piece of land in Mathura. A picture almost on par with photographs of Delhi BJP president Satish Upadhyay cleaning artfully arranged litter in Delhi outside the India Islamic Cultural Centre in the company of a beautifully dressed Shazia Ilmi who was juggling a bag, a dupatta and a broom, not too successfully.The photo-op with a jhadoo has become the equivalent of a job application in the age of Modi. There are others in an era when no one knows quite which lever to pull to gain access into the Immaculate Outsider's Inner Circle. Here are the top seven:

#1. Wield a jhadoo, clean a piece of land, shoot, upload on twitter. This works for everyone except Arvind Kejriwal. It helps if you are famous and can nominate your equally famous buddies for the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan.

#2. Lavish praise on the prime minister. Lokesh Chandra, all of 87 (the exact age at which LK Advani was nudged into retirement), at one point very close to Indira Gandhi, did so, calling the prime minister an avatar of God. He landed himself a job at the head of the Indian Council for Cultural Relations much to the consternation of the city's dancers and artistes who had paid no attention to him for 10 years of UPA rule, and have no doubt sought appointments already.

#3. Heap criticism on Modi baiters. Preferably ask them to leave for Pakistan. Giriraj Singh did that and has been rewarded with a minister of state rank, despite certain unaccounted-for money.

#4. Switch parties. Exhibit A is Chaudhry Birender Singh, who has got Rural Development after spending over 40 years in the Congress.

#5. Get Baba Ramdev to snag you a shot at the Lok Sabha elections. Win the election. Voila, you're transformed from Babul Supriyo, singer, to Babul Supriyo, minister of state.

#6. Direct a cringe-worthy video in praise of the Prime Minister, star in it yourself, get it released by BJP leaders and put up huge billboards all over the city. The video is called Ek Bharat, Shreshtha Bharat, it airs in cinema halls and the man who stars in it is someone called Ravindra Singh, who runs a production company called R Vision.

#7. Organise the release of a book, or two, in praise of the Prime Minister, and ensure the presence of at least two ministers. It happened in August when Vitasta Publishing released Being Modi by Paavani Sinha and Nikita Parmar (cost only Rs 3.999) and Narendra Modi: The Gamechanger by Sudesh Verma (cost Rs 399). Arun Jaitley and Prakash Javadekar dutifully turned up for the release.

#8. You could write to the Prime Minister directly but for that you will have to listen to his radio address, Mann ki Baat. A helpful tip. This week, the Prime Minister asked for advice on how to curb the drug menace in the country. You could try reviving the lost art of letter writing, do some research and come up with an innovative idea. If he mentions your name on air, as he does if he likes something, you've hit the jackpot.

You could of course simply work hard as Suresh Prabhu has been doing. The low profile former Shiv Sena politician, who is India's G-20 Sherpa, was made head of the advisory group for integrated development of power, coal and renewable energy that seeks to put ailing sectors back on track, and has now been given Railways. Or Manohar Parrikar, as much of an outsider to Delhi as Modi, who excelled as Goa Chief Minister and has been given the all important portfolio of Defence. If all else fails, you can always knock at the door of Arun Jaitley, the amiable Presiding Deity of the Permanent Establishment with additional charge of Information and Broadcasting, a ministry he is master of in more ways than one, but be warned the queue is long, and you will have some very tough competition from veteran journalists and stalwart lawyers. Wear your armour. There's a lot of jostling.

PS: What to avoid?

Leaking your name to journalists as a sure shot in the Cabinet expansion. Could that be the reason Hamirpur MP Anurag Thakur didn't find a place?