A 20-year-old Chennai woman was killed by her stalker. This is why we're to blame
A 20-year-old woman was murdered by her stalker in broad daylight in Chennai, on March 9. Twenty-six-year-old Alagesan slit Ashwini's throat. Why? Because she refused to marry him.
The only solace, if it can be called that, in the whole episode is that the bystanders, unlike Swathi's case where they failed to act, caught Alagesan, thrashed him and handed him over to the police.
Ashwini had sought help from police on February 16 after being increasingly troubled by Alagesan. He was called, warned and let off. According to the police, Ashwini's family did not want to press charges and hence, no FIR was filed and he was let off with a warning.
The family, however, tells a different story. Alagasen came with a lawyer and was allowed to leave within a day despite Ashwini's family insisting on taking action. Irrespective of which one of the two versions is true, the fact is that Ashwini is dead.
What stalking is
Section 354D of Criminal Law (Amendment) Ordinance 2013 passed after the December 16, 2012, Nirbhaya gang rape and murder, defines stalking thus: "To follow a woman and contact, or attempt to contact such woman to foster personal interaction repeatedly despite a clear indication of disinterest by such woman; or monitor the use by a woman of the internet, email or any other form of electronic communication. There are exceptions to this section which include such act being in course of preventing or detecting a crime authorised by state or in compliance of certain law or was reasonable and justified."
Despite the existence of a law to deal with stalking, both Ashwini and Swathi could not be saved.
Being obsessive is not heroic
Most stalkers feel a girl or woman turning them down is only because they do not understand their love. Being men, they cannot accept a "no" for an answer from a woman.
Our movies too have distorted our understanding of love and obsession, consent and force. Shah Rukh Khan in Darr or Anjaam is not really a hero even though he was taken for one. He was a stalker. Being obsessive is not heroism, it is a disorder that needs treatment.
The object of obsession is at risk for its very existence. Stalking is a warning sign for something sinister. It could be rape, molestation or even marriage by force.
After Swathi's death proved that stalking was a far more serious crime than what we thought it to be, many women started coming out to report such harassment. However, the administration hasn't been forthcoming and stringent enough in dealing with this dangerous crime.
The blame for this lies not just with the perpetrators but parents and society too.
On one end, parents do not want to pursue such cases due to social stigma. There is a fear that it would be difficult to find suitable matches for a woman whose stalking is public knowledge.
On the other hand, the society loses no time in victim blaming. The most easily used argument is that a man would not pursue any woman so keenly is he hasn't received encouragement from her.
In many cases, the families of stalking victims quickly get them married off to avoid "trouble" without a care for her personal or professional dreams.
On the legal front, stalking cases are not taken as seriously as they should be. In most cases, the stalker is let off with a warning. The stalker's family does not see that their child has a deeper problem and needs help.
The onus to put an end to stalking is entirely on us. Until we stop blaming the victim; until we start bringing up our children to understand that when a person says no, it is only right to respect it; until we go ahead and put the safety of our children over what others would think; until we acknowledge that stalking is a sign of a disorder in our children and they need help, the problem would not find a solution.
So long as we lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of the victim, stalking will be a problem that will continue to haunt our society.
Many countries world over accord stalking the seriousness it deserves. On the flip side, our popular culture glorifies stalking. The one-side lover chasing the girl has been the staple of our films with the line between the one-side lover and stalker practically being non-existent.
The net result of this apathy is that stories of Swathi and Ashwini end up being shocking headlines and Twitter trends. A change is needed and it is needed now.